My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
