You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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