our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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