I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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