We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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