Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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