youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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