u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
