so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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