Your mouth is God's brothel.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I did not marry a roomba.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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