This is not my ceiling
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
