My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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