Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
even my farts smell like vagina
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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