Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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