I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
