The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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