you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
