I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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