Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Still dying that you shit outside
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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