i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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