My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
