I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me