Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
