thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
