you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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