There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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