I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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