The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
