Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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