hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
