I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
