My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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