census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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