i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
