I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize