last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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