Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
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i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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