too bad you live with your parents still
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
