I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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