so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
