You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
