cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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