i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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