my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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