I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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