I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
