i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
