I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
