somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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