Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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