I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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