Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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