Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
