Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
