so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
