you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
