We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
